What to do with the condoms now

If we aren’t going to give them to horny teenagers, we might as well find other uses for them.

by Philbert Dy, photo by Redge Hawang

With the very vocal opposition from even liberal corners of our government to giving high school students easy access to condoms, one is faced with the possibility that the prophylactics already earmarked for distribution might go to waste. And though the country seems to currently be on an economic upswing, this is not the time to become wasteful. The schools should find ways to use these condoms somehow, perhaps in ways that they were intended. So even if kids get pregnant and spread disease, they’ll still be able to make use of the contraceptives that they were denied.

PHYSICS CLASS

This could be an opportunity to improve science education in our public schools. The condom is a wonder of engineering, and has many qualities that allow it to serve well as visual props for various physics lessons. Obviously, the condom is elastic, and one could imagine various classroom experiments where students are made to test the elastic limits of the device. Or, they could be used to build slingshots, in order to help demonstrate the students the concepts of potential and kinetic energy. If the condoms are lubricated, then this might be a fine time to learn about friction. This could spark a love for science in students, and with any luck, they’ll avoid being pregnant long enough to pursue their passion into various STEM fields.

ART CLASS

Once again, the qualities already inherent to the humble condom may serve us well here. And we may directly address another deficiency in our current education system. Culture and the arts aren’t traditionally high priorities for our public schools, but perhaps this could be remedied with an influx of art materials. Condoms come in a variety of colors, and could certainly be used in some sort of avant-garde mosaic projects. Its elastic properties make it a possible binding material for mixed-media sculpture. Any artist out there will tell you that the condom is fertile ground for artistic expression. Perhaps a budding young artist out there will be inspired enough by the material to craft a work that will redirect all of their adolescent sexual energy into something you can put into a museum, and therefore, something old people are actually going to be willing to talk about.

THE SCHOOL FAIR

Every school fair needs games! We’ve all learned from television and movies that you can blow up condoms like balloons, so maybe instead of buying balloons for your standard school fair dart booth, we can use condoms instead! It might make the game a little harder, since condoms are basically designed to be resistant to bursting, since failure means the spread of disease and the possible birth of a child that people aren’t quite equipped to care for, but we can look at that as a benefit. Again, the point is to be wasteful, and if fewer are winning prizes because we’re using condoms as balloons, then that’s definitely a good thing.

We could also fill them with water and let them serve as the bags for when people win goldfish. Or just use them as decorations! The point is, the condom is a very versatile tool as long you’ve got imagination. Not the kind of imagination that might make one consider non-abstinence solutions to the very dire problems of teen pregnancy and the spread of STDs, but imagination nonetheless.

Art Direction by Andrew Panopio
Sittings by Mags Ocampo