#Somanyleaks: Other Unsubstantiated Leaks That Reveal Vague, Unfulfilled Destabilization Plots Over Obsolete Internet Technologies

by Ronald Apacible

#LeniLeaks has rocked the local Internet, revealing an alleged dark conspiracy to oust the president that inexplicably took place over Yahoogroups. Using the latest techniques in deriving alternative facts, we have discovered more daring scandals that involve shady groups attempting to rock the status quo with messages sent over Internet systems that nobody uses anymore.

#ShalaniLeaks

Back when the President Noynoy Aquino was dating Shalani Soledad, friends of the comely young politician were secretly chatting with her over ICQ to convince her that she had better prospects than the chain smoking head of state. The effect that this nefarious black propaganda had is questionable, but one can certainly note that Ms. Soledad is now married to a man with a different political surname.

#MekeniLeaks

All of Pampanga was frozen in scandal when leaked Friendster testimonials revealed that the owners of the Mekeni Food Corporation were attempting to stage a coup against then-governor Lito Lapid. The plan involved vague mentions of providing Lapid with enough chicharon and tocino to render him incapable of governing. Plot reportedly failed because they underestimated the governor’s constitution, as so many people have.

#BelliniLeaks

This bold bit of corporate warfare involved the highest levels of management at Italliani’s, who sent in spies to apply for staff jobs at the beloved Cubao institution Bellini’s in order to sabotage the restaurant from within. Communication took place over inactive BBS boards, in coded messages disguised as commands in a game of Zork.