In this week’s series of unfortunate events:
So here’s the thing: the Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012 is a bad law with questionable provisions that could severely limit freedom of expression. It’s just that nobody really cared until they came for our porn. Certain porn sites have been blocked on certain ISPs for the alleged violation of the child pornography provisions of the law. Several outraged netizens, who are totally just standing up for the virtues of personal freedom, have pointed out that most porn sites are already forbidden from hosting videos showcasing children under the age of 18. Pornhub, which earlier this year confirmed that the Filipinos continues to spend the most time per visit on their site, has expressed their willingness to work with the government. Maybe this was the plan all along.
Welterweight senator Manny Pacquiao reiterated his support for the proposed revival of the death penalty, this time taking the radical stance of defending the Romans in their decisions to frame Jesus and execute him. Once again, Pacquiao proves to be a guiding light in theological thinking, proposing interpretations of the text that literally no one has ever thought of before. Senator Pacquiao — who is set to change his boxing moniker to Pontius Pacman — stated that the government is a divine institution, and therefore killing is not wrong when committed by the government. The proposal is pending Senate approval, so here’s to hoping that all convicted drug addicts will also rise in three days’ time.
A playground spat nearly broke out last Tuesday, January 17, between alleged cheater and former arnis world champion Juan Miguel Zubiri and local senate bad boy and hotel aficionado Antonio Trillanes IV. Unfortunately, though both of these silverback gorillas rhetorically reared up to show their bellies, they ultimately denied the Filipino people what they really wanted to see: two of our senators beating the shit out of each other, fulfilling one of our greatest dreams by proxy. By the end of the session, the two were shaking hands, whispering, “Hail Hydra” to each other. And so it goes.
Last Saturday saw President Duterte stating (for the nth time) that he would “declare martial law to preserve [his] nation, period.” Last Wednesday, he criticized the Catholic Church for not understanding the true threat of drugs, and challenged religious officials to try shabu — because God forbid human beings treat other human beings with respect when drugs are involved. On Thursday, January 19, Duterte proceeded to compare drug addicts to African slaves, and remarked that at least African slaves could be made to work. Slavery is just so in these days. In other words, just another day in the Pearl of the Orient. Wipe the blood off your shoes when you come in from the street.
This Friday, the world welcomes new United States President Mike Pence, and his figurehead-cum-mouthpiece Donald J. Trump (who gets to pretend to be president for the next four years). Fresh off the lowest approval rating for an incoming president since the ‘70s, and a scathing verbal attack against civil rights icon John Lewis, Trump is to be welcomed into the proverbial room where it happens to the music of Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down, and no one who identifies as Californian. Red states and blue states alike are holding their breath in anticipation to see what Trump will do next — after he finishes scrubbing any and all traces of Obama from the White House. From all of us here in the Philippines, and from the bottom of our hearts: welcome to the club.