The Rogue Recap: April 14-20

This week, important people were in a hurry to do important things for their own self-preservation.

by Emil Hofileña

 

Big boys play with their big boy toys

Fresh off of launching a strike against Syria last April 6, the United States military proceeded to bomb ISIS territory in Afghanistan with its first-ever GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast bomb (nicknamed the “Mother Of All Bombs”), the largest non-nuclear bomb in the US military’s arsenal. Three days later, presumably intimidated by the size of Donald Trump’s warhead, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un unveiled his own missile, only to have it blow up too early just after liftoff. A red-and-gold suit of armor was reportedly seen flying over the Korea Bay shortly after. President Trump, allegedly playing golf during this time, could not seem to be reached for comments.

 

Magazine editors caught cramming their work

On April 16, local grumpy tito Rodrigo Duterte topped Time’s online reader poll determining the one hundred most influential people of 2017. He won five percent of the vote. Clearly undisturbed by the power of Filipino click farms, and not feeling petty in the slightest about the result, Time indeed included Duterte on their official list, released April 20, and asked former Colombian president Cesar Gaviria to write the Filipino strongman’s caption. Preoccupied with re-watching the second season of Narcos for the ninth time, Gaviria allowed Time to copy-paste and paraphrase excerpts from his February 7 New York Times op-ed condemning Duterte’s war on drugs instead. Time’s editors were last seen purchasing Kevlar vests.

 

This week in senior citizens living on the edge

UK Prime Minister Theresa May has gained the approval of parliament in calling for a snap election on June 8. Victory for May’s Conservative Party, which already holds a minor lead, would mean potentially more time for orderly Brexit negotiations and less opposition from voters who are against Britain’s divorce from the European Union. As campaigning from both sides proceeds, some anti-Brexit voters have started calling upon the disruptive powers of American pop star Britney Spears, who earlier in April caused the Israeli Labor Party to postpone its primary elections. British concert organizers are currently contacting all members of Oasis, Spice Girls, and One Direction for a massive reunion concert scheduled for June 8.

 

What does the Fox say (about sexual harassment)?

Fox News giant Bill O’Reilly has been fired from his own channel as a result of mounting pressure from five sexual harassment allegations aimed at the political commentator. O’Reilly’s removal is being called a “cultural shift” and is indicative of Fox News’ efforts to discipline its ranks and save its neck. Harboring no hard feelings towards Fox, and having just met the Pope, O’Reilly has been inspired to leave behind his TV commentating ways by starting a daily lifestyle and travel vlog instead. Now conservative millennials can hear Bill’s controversial and inconsistent views from the comfort of their own earphones, and bring Bill’s echo chamber with them wherever they go.

 

Local thespian books a gig

Queen of All Media and 46-year-old meme resource Kris Aquino has reportedly been cast in the film adaptation of Kevin Kwan’s 2013 novel Crazy Rich Asians. If reports are true, Aquino could be the first Filipino actor to star in a modern, potentially big-budget Hollywood production. Neither Kwan nor the film’s director, Jon M. Chu, has confirmed if the film’s title is based on Aquino’s family history. Aquino and her son Bimby were previously rumored to be in talks for roles in the Netflix series Stranger Things. Aquino was to play Joyce Byers, while Bimby was to play her missing son, Will, but the show’s producers deemed Aquino’s audition performance too real. #pinoypride