Revisions To The NAIA Employee Handbook

Urgent changes in policy for dealing with difficult guests at the NAIA VIP Lounge

by Philbert Dy, art by Andrew Panopio

Dear employees,

 

Recent events have forced us to reconsider certain policies concerning the use of our VIP lounge. NAIA, as we all know, is supposed to be a place of quiet inaction, where passengers of flights can wait in peace for their inevitably delayed flights. We must avoid all appearance of controversy, especially since we are still rebuilding our image following years of scandal. In line with this, we have revised a section in your employee handbook. New editions will be printed out as soon as possible. For now, please refer to the following circular.

 

SECTION XIV. – USE OF THE VIP LOUNGE

 

The VIP lounge is available to any guest of the airport for a fee of P1,120 pesos. The fee may be waived as a courtesy for government officials.

 

SECTION XIV.I – PROTOCOL FOR THE PROCESSING OF GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AT THE VIP LOUNGE

 

Government officials seeking to use the lounge are to provide a valid government ID for record purposes.

 

SECTION XIV.II – PROTOCOL FOR THE PROCESSING OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS YET, BUT WILL BE IN THREE MONTHS

 

Employee should at no point indicate that he or she does not recognize the guest. Simply ask for the guest’s name and feign recognition. Tell the guest that you are just going to get her a welcome drink. While out of the guest’s line of vision, Google name in secret.

 

SECTION XIV.III – PROTOCOL FOR GOOGLING SANDRA CAM

 

Ignore the first result, which is going to be the Wikipedia article for Sandra Cam, Belgian Olympic swimmer. It is unlikely that the person now yelling in our VIP lounge is the Belgian Olympic swimmer. Do not, under any circumstances ask the guest if she is Belgian, or enjoys waffles, or drinks Chimay. Any references to Belgium are a firable offense.

 

Ignore the next results as well, which will likely be news reports about the previous incident in the NAIA. These facts are not to be brought up, as this will only elevate the tension.

 

On second thought, don’t Google Sandra Cam. Here are a few benign things you can say that might get her on your side:

 

“I voted for you!”

 

“I hate jueteng!”

 

“Heil Duterte!”

 

Don’t try Bing, either. It’s the same thing.

 

SECTION XIV.IV – PROTOCOL FOR DESTABILIZING THE DUTERTE GOVERNMENT

 

Always remember, NAIA employees: you must at no point ever make mention of the fact that we are all part of a grand conspiracy to destabilize the government and oust the current president. Make sure that your uniform is in order, so that no one may see that we are all secretly wearing yellow underwear. We must at all costs maintain the cover that we are just regular people tasked with manning a VIP lounge in an airport that is largely considered to be one of the worst in the world.

 

These incidents, though theoretically helpful to our ultimate cause, bring too much attention to our cabal of dissidence. So treat Sandra Cam nicely. It’s all she has.