A Philippines Without Internet Porn

A few thoughts on how we (and you) will be getting off in the imminent Pornhub-less future

by Philbert Dy, art by Renee Arabia

Don’t freak out. So a few porn sites were blocked on a certain ISP in accordance with the provisions in the 2012 Cybercrime Prevention Act. Given the fact that this all happened without much warning, and that there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of thought put into what was blocked, one is forced to imagine the possibility of all porn just disappearing from the local Internet. This will, of course, be a major paradigm shift in the Filipino routine. According to Pornhub, which is one of the sites that was blocked, the Philippines reaches its highest average session lengths on the site. It’s clear that the Filipino will have to find other things to distract him (or her, Pornhub also indicates we have one of the highest incidences of females on their site) from the general state of awfulness.

Of course, the Filipino cannot simply go back to the softcore stylings of your average men’s magazine having already been exposed to the full depravity on offer on the Internet. They going to need something far stranger to get off on their lonesome, so we must imagine new, analog ways of releasing the Filipino’s pent up sexual energies.

Dirty puppet shows

A live sex show is probably out of the question, since it is also technically illegal, and would likely cost too much to put together. But any enterprising horndog can cobble together a couple of puppets and create scenarios just as dirty as any Internet porn. Making your own puppets adds another level of personalization that might make it work better for you, but in a pinch you could probably just use toys. Barbie Dolls are the obvious choice, but there is merit to the added abstractions of something less anatomically accurate. Who knows? Maybe you’re really into minifigs.

Erotic cakes

Here is the thing: not a lot of people think erotic cakes are actually very erotic. Few have looked at the buttercream facsimile of intimate parts and thought “yes, this is doing it for me.” But in a future lacking Internet porn, people might look more kindly upon these confections. If nothing else, it might force the bakers to go beyond the basic replication of anatomy to something more complex and artful. And then we’ll have our cake and eat it, too.

Videos of animals having sex

Okay, so maybe they’re not human. But man things can get freaky in the animal kingdom. And because they’re not human, they’re not going to count as pornography. Humans are just animals in the end, anyway, and the complexity of our mating rituals don’t really negate the base nature of the acts being depicted in various videos. Pornography has at times been regarded as a slippery slope towards the worst depravities. We propose that in its absence, people might just start looking at animals differently.

Creative imagination

This is all it really comes down to nowadays. The same creative imagination that one is required to use to not be shocked and offended by some of the things that our government says may be channeled towards the ultimately more productive exercise of thinking up all manner of unprintable things for people to do to each other in the privacy of their own homes (or outside of it, if that’s your thing). Perhaps this will be good for us, after all, since we are clearly a nation in dire need of more imagination.