Philippine History, by Vitaliano Aguirre

An excerpt from a history book that thankfully does not actually exist

by Philbert Dy, art by Andrew Panopio




As we had discussed in an earlier chapter, the noted absence of the Liberal Party in any text mentioning the Tejeros Convention is already proof positive that they have never had any interest in seeing a sovereign Filipino race. According to a Facebook post that I saw three months ago from user “YellowFever6969,” it is much more likely that they were stoking the flames of conflict between the Magdiwang and Magdalo factions, threatening civil war even before we could even gain independence.


Other scholars may note that the Liberal Party in the Philippines was founded in 1946, but this is fake news. Even if we were to accept that premise, we have already established that the Liberal Party has access to a time a machine that they use to sabotage Filipino history and distribute shabu to katipuneros. I have a picture on my phone of Francis Pangilinan delivering a shipment of drugs to Manuel Roxas. The first!


No, you cannot see it. You’re misquoting me.


Anyway, back in Cavite, on June 5, 1898, Emilio Aguinaldo issued a decree that the nation would proclaim its independence a week from that date. But little did our president know that there were already dark forces conspiring against them. Having failed to destabilize our fledgling country enough during its first, uneasy steps towards sovereignty, the yellow agents of the Liberal Party were hard at work to thrust their countrymen back into foreign control.


Fun fact: the government established by Emilio Aguinaldo was not a democracy. It was a dictatorial government, giving the young general the authority to dispatch with all manner of threats to the nation. Sadly, the first president did not have the foresight to see the looming threat of drugs, and did not use his powers to dispatch of all the drug addicts back in 1898. Surely, a wiser, more experienced leader would have made full use of those dictatorial powers to more fully cleanse the Philippines of bad elements.


Because all the way in Paris, foreign powers under the influence of drugs were deciding the fate of the country for us. Other historians will tell you that Felipe Agoncillo was unable to get a seat in the negotiation, but I believe something more nefarious was at play. Agoncillo, of course, is the last name of a popular personality here in the Philippines, Ryan Agoncillo. He is part of the corrupt media that is playing a key part in sabotaging the efforts of our government by reporting on all the people that have been murdered because of our glorious war on drugs. Is it really so farfetched to think that Ryan Agoncillo went back in time using the Liberal Party’s time machine to sabotage these talks? Perhaps he had supplied the foreign dignitaries with shabu, which caused them to go crazy. This is the only possible explanation for the problems that the Philippines would encounter later on. It is certainly the only explanation that I saw on Facebook that has in any way convinced me.


I also saw a picture of that. No, you cannot see it.


Spain supposedly sold the Philippines to the meddling United States for the sum of twenty million dollars. But this does not make any sense. Twenty million dollars is nothing, and the Philippines was not Spain’s to sell. Ryan Agoncillo clearly went into that meeting room and gave the Americans shabu so that they would come into the Philippines and start trouble. As we know, the United States has a history of meddling in International affairs. But in this instance, they were actually reluctant to enter because the Philippines had a strong, dictatorial ruler who already had a track record for killing his enemies. But because of drugs…my God!


Back in Cavite, the young, popular general unfurled the flag for the first time to the cheers of the assembled public. He did not know what was coming, but for the moment, he could enjoy the triumph of having led his country out of the darkness. But the yellowtards were coming, and darkness would return to the Philippines.


* It has come to my attention that several of the things I have said in this chapter might be factually inaccurate. But this is not my fault, because the media is misquoting me. Nevertheless, I apologize, and clear the Liberal Party of the charge of having a time machine.