With apologies to Jonathan Swift.
There has been plenty of uproar regarding a proposed “vanity” tax on makeup and other cosmetic products. Many have rightfully pointed out that the tax would be inherently sexist, disadvantaging women for trying to live up to societal standards that were largely established by the patriarchy. But we here at Rogue fully understand the impulse of Rep. Rodel Batocabe of the Ako Bicol Party List. We, too, recognize the need for more taxes in lieu of better tax collection and better enforcement of current laws. We always need to find more ways to give money to the government.
The issue here is fairness. As much as Rep. Batocabe insists that men are also big consumers of cosmetic products, he would have to be completely insane to insist that women wouldn’t be disproportionately affected by such a levy. And so there must an equal measure that targets the “vanity” of men. Taxes, of course, are a means of social engineering, discouraging behaviors that current society finds undesirable (like women wearing makeup – yuck!). And so, we have put together a proposal that we believe will reward those that choose the higher value of modesty in all things.
And thus, we are proposing the Dick Tax.
There is no range of products currently on the market that would serve as a perfect analogue for cosmetics on the male side of the spectrum, so it would be difficult to offer an equal tax levied at the cashier. What we are proposing is a completely voluntary addition to yearly income tax.
The tax is computed based on self-reported penis size. According to studies, the average Filipino penis is about 4.3 inches in length, which for the sake of simplicity, we are rounding down to 4 inches. Men are to pay an extra 1% in income tax for every inch above the average that they claim their penis is.
So in a hypothetical situation, supposing the porn star Mandingo somehow became a Filipino citizen and had to pay taxes, based on the claim that his penis is 14 inches long, he would have to pay an extra ten percent in income tax every year. Of course, the information offered up in completely voluntary. Our theoretical naturalized Mandingo could very well offer up a much more realistic penis size, and pay a much lower rate. But then the marketing of his pornography, which in our theoretical scenario is legal in the Philippines, would have to suffer.
Of course, most Filipinos aren’t porn professionals, and apart from the alarmingly large volume of dick pics sent every day, there isn’t much photographic evidence that would contradict whatever claim they made on their tax forms. And so, people are free to be as vain or as modest as they want. A man could literally pay the price for having his ego stroked by his tax form. The BIR could even give out badges and buttons declaring how much Dick Tax a man pays, rewarding these theoretically hung individuals for contributing more to the national coffers.
And of course, in the same way that a woman could theoretically just give up wearing makeup, a man of meager means could just choose to declare that he has a completely average penis. We could even offer tax rebates to men who claim that their penis is smaller than average. This does not seem like a likely scenario, however. In all things, the dick trumps economics.
Download your own customizable Dick Tax button here.